|Dormitory = Dirty Room
|Evangelist = Evil's Agent
|Desperation = A Rope Ends It
|The Morse Code = Here Come Dots
|Slot Machines = Cash Lost in 'em
|Animosity = Is No Amity
|Mother-in-law = Woman Hitler
|Snooze Alarms = Alas! No More Z's
|Alec Guinness = Genuine Class
|Semolina = Is No Meal
|The Public Art Galleries = Large Picture Halls, I Bet
|A Decimal Point = I'm a Dot in Place
|The Earthquakes = That Queer Shake
|Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one
|Contradiction = Accord not in it
|The future of "I give" is "I take."
|The parts of speech are lungs and air.
|The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.
|H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.
|The general direction of the Alps is straight up.
|Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.
|The people who followed the Lord were the 12 opossums.
|One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
|One by-product of raising cattle is calves.
|The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
|The climate is hottest next to the Creator.
|Syntax is the money collected at church from sinners.
|In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon.
|Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.
|In the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.
|Talc is found on rocks and on babies.
|Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.
|Lime is a green-tasting rock.
|We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation.
|Clouds are high flying fogs.
|Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
|In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.
|A blizzard is when it snows sideways.
|A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size.
|A monsoon is a French gentleman.
|Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
|The wind is like the air, only pushier.
|Emus cannot walk backwards.
|Cats have over 100 vocal sounds, dogs have about 10.
|Most Americans' car horns beep in the key of "F."
|Camel's milk does not curdle.
|"Mr. Mojo Risin" is an anagram for Jim Morrison.
|Many hamsters only blink one eye at a time.
|Each episode of Seinfeld has a Superman somewhere.
|Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33.
|It takes a lobster about 7 years to grow to be 1 pound.
|Montpelier, VT is the only capital without a McDonalds.
|Giraffes have no vocal cords.
|No word in the English language rhymes with month.
|There are 2 credit cards for every person in the USA.
|Cat's urine glows under a blacklight.
|An iguana can stay under water for 28 minutes.
|The first Ford cars had Dodge engines.
|Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
|Nutmeg is poisonous if injected intravenously
|The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
|The first toilet seen on TV was on "Leave It To Beaver".
|Lincoln Logs were invented by Frank Lloyd Wright's son.
|Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
|The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan."
|Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
|I love cats...they taste just like chicken
|Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
|As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools
|Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
|The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
|It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
|Friends don't let friends drive naked.
|Wink, I'll do the rest!
|When there's a will, I want to be in it!
|Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
|It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
|Reality is where the pizza delivery guy comes from!
|Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
|Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
|Make it idiot proof & someone will make a better idiot.
|He who laughs last thinks slowest
|You're unique, just like everyone else.
|Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
|Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
|Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
|i souport publik edekasion
|Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
|3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
|Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
|Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
|We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
|Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
|What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?
|I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
|Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
|All generalizations are false.
|'Criminal Lawyer' is a redundancy.
|Daddy, why won't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
|IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
|Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
|The secret of the universe is @*&^^^^^^ NO CARRIER
|I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
|A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
|Error, no keyboard - press F1 to continue.
|There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
|Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
|Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
|Double your drive space - delete Windows!
|I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
|Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
|Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
|Is there another word for synonym?
|Isn't it unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
|Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
|Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
|Why do they report power outages on TV?
|Is it possible to be totally partial?
|If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
|Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
|Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
|If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
|If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
|When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
|Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
|Why is the word "abbreviation" so long?
|When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
|A day without sunshine is like night.
|He who dies with the most toys, is, nonetheless, still dead.
|Photons have mass? I didn't know they were Catholic!
|If you had everything, where would you keep it?
|The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
|What was sliced bread the greatest thing since?
|Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
|Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
|To err is human, to moo bovine.
|I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.